LaFrance Makes it Through Entire Summer Without Putting Anchorage in Lockdown

In a startling surprise to many, including the mayor herself, Anchorage managed to make it through the entire summer of 2024 without going into lockdown, despite a surge in colds and a whooping cough epidemic.

"We're very proud of our ceiling shattering achievement of allowing citizens to roam around freely and we're cautiously optimistic for the Fall and Winter as more people move indoors to congregate," the mayor said Friday. "We have a lot on our radar right now that we're watching and will not hesitate to pull the lever to shut the city down if we feel that one person might get the sniffles."

Critics of LaFrance's laissez-faire approach to public health have been outspoken and have called for her to resign immediately. Stanley Bunch, spokesman from the Anchorage chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America, has been leading protests regularly outside of the Loussac Library where most of his colleagues live. "We are very disappointed in this new administration's failure to potentially save lives by allowing people to just wantonly go about their day as if nothing was wrong," he said via text. "We all know that you can't eat gold AND YOU CAN'T DRINK OIL," he continued before we blocked his number.

The Anchorage Public Health Director, Blanche Repinski, says she's been busy monitoring reports and data so she can have a "snapshot of danger" in real time. "Most of my job is to worry...worry worry worry," she chuckled out of breathedly. "I don't want people to be afraid of the imminent death that we're sure to be faced with over the next 6 months but to be overly cautious and remember that you're still a hero from staying home."

Back at City Hall, the municipal manager declined to comment on how the administration would handle a new public health crisis. Looks like we'll all just have to wait and see.