Be On The Lookout! APD To Begin Fundraising Campaign "Fill The Coffin"

Every fall, Alaskans look forward to firepersons distracting motorists at the busiest intersections in Anchorage to raise money to replace their aging, 2-year-old fire engines after the city smacked down another ballot prop. "It's not September without seeing them." chuckled Marvin Grossly as he tossed a penny at a coffin from his moving vehicle.

Turns out, this fun gimmick can bring in some serious cash for the department and now, APD is cashing in on the growing trend of groveling for money on the side of the road.

"We've pretty much exhausted all efforts." said officer Stan Dickens. "And when we saw the success AFD was having with it, we thought 'Let's give it a shot!'"

"If there's one thing people never get tired of, it's getting constantly asked for money from people they despise." said UAA's professor of Panhandling. "When you look at the data, it's pretty clear. No matter what people may say, they always have a little extra in their pockets and they desperately want to give it away."

We asked Chief Case what they planned to do with their newfound, tax-free riches.

"Well first we'll need to pay someone to roll it." he said. "All those pennies won't roll themselves. And that creates jobs. Next, we plan to purchase new motorcycles and rebuild our stock of Post It notes for the HR closet."