ACEH Touts Economic Benefits to Community Due to Their Exorbitant Salaries

Anchorage Cartel To Enable Homelessness spokesperson Sash Zimmerman issued a statement at a press conference Thursday to push back against mounting criticism of their organization's salaries that some are calling "bloated" and "perverse".

"Just think, our salaries are going to support local businesses. We support fine dining, high end clothing boutiques and property taxes for our lavish homes in expensive neighborhoods away from downtown and midtown so we don't need to see any of our guests," Sasha said in her prepared statement.

Puffin Post obtained an annual salary report from ACEH and here are some of the top earners:

• Mac Lyons - Assistant Office Feller - $192,945

• Eric Thomas - Stylist - $321,908

• Mike Hill - In Between Roles - 266,998.50

• Meg Zaletel - Assembly Member in Charge of Where to Direct Money for Homelessness Issues- $735,211

At the end of the prepared statement, Sasha was asked how much of the monies they receive from federal and state grants actually get to the people experiencing homelessness.

"Well, you can't look at it like that," she retorted. "Homelessness is a very expensive thing and it takes money to spend money. But to answer your question directly, our internal data show us that approximately $1 for every $500 receives goes to cheap Maxwell House coffee for our warming centers. And we're very proud of the work that we do."

Despite the criticism, don't expect the "non-profit" to be going away any time soon. They are currently working on a landmark project to create The Halfway Scraper, a $900,000,000 mega project that would be the tallest building in the state and house locals as well as people from all over the world experiencing homelessness.

"We're just getting started," Sasha growled as she stomped off stage in a pair of $1,600 D&G pumps.